Grief: The Emotion Human Resources Must Address

There is an unspoken rule that we can speak about the meaning that work provides but we do not know how to discuss the loss of meaning.

Grief - What We Experience After a Loss

Grief can come in many forms. While the triggers may differ, it is an emotion, we have never brought into the workplace. There is limited dialog and even sparser action because of the many myths this emotion is associated with. In this chapter, we confront the complex and often overlooked issue of grief among employees, an emotion that came to our consciousness during the Covid-19 pandemic. Job loss, the death of a loved one, a colleague and more became part of eight billion people as they dealt with the devastation. While pandemic has subsided, grief continues to remain a part of our life.

As we look back at the pandemic, I wonder if we have missed the most important lesson. We have not yet learned to talk about loss in the workplace, even though there are so many processes in the world of work, that trigger a sense of loss.

There is an unspoken rule that we can speak about the meaning that work provides but we do not know how to discuss the loss of meaning.

Hiring and onboarding are celebrated in the workplace but we rarely see organisations being sensitive to employees who have experienced the loss of identity or control or structure because of a reorganization.

The company’s Human Resources (HR) department that can play a vital role in addressing grief. To do that they need to recognise the various kinds of laws that trigger grief.

This chapter explores the various sources that can trigger grief and dispels common myths that often prevent employers from adequately supporting their grieving employees.

I have worked with many organizations as an HR leader and as a consultant. I have practical suggestions for HR departments that are easy to implement. I hope this compassionate analysis provides a much-needed framework for understanding andaddressing grief in the workplace. The time for action is now - we must respond to this urgent issue with compassion and understanding.

Key Discussion Areas

● An insight into the minds of someone grieving and their need for acknowledgment

● Types of grief experienced in personal as well as professional lives and the approaches to deal with them

● Myths accepted as a norm by organizations and HR professionals in relation to an employees' grief

● Recommendations for HR professionals to help their employees through their grief

The Kübler-Ross Grief Cycle

The New Normal: Grief in the Workplaces

“This pandemic has embarrassed every futurist. Just ask the next one, how many of their predictions about 2020 have come true. I have never seen so much uncertainty about the future. This uncertainty impacts business and jobs. ‘When will things go back to ‘normal’—by that I mean how life was in December 2019’, said “NS”., the head of the largest executive search firm in India. He spoketo me in a personal interview and said that he was worried that mental health issues arising from this pandemic would outweigh anyskill-related challenge leaders have ever faced before.

At the start of the Covid-19 pandemic, decisions that would have taken days and weeks were all taken in minutes and hours. Every decision had the risk of becoming a precedent that leaders could possibly regret in the future. No one had the luxury of time to deliberate. Leaders around the world had to choose between reducing salaries and laying off employees. Over two years later, the situation has not changed. Everyone is experiencing moments for which there is no road map. There are missed moments that will never come back. When people say that this is the “new normal,” they are reassuring themselves that the churn and destruction is behind us. In our hearts we know that the familiar world we once knew is no more. The coronavirus pandemic has led to a collective loss of normalcy. That discomfort we are feeling is grief (Berinato 2020).

Independent of the pandemic, individual sources of grief take no reprieve when we go about our jobs. A surgeon lost his wife in afreak accident. He survived and was torn apart by survivor’s guilt. What bruised him was the behavior of the colleagues as he returned to work. A fellow surgeon said:

Back at work, a shock of a different kind awaits. Expecting to be greeted by an outpouring of sympathy at his loss, he walks into silence. People go past him and look sideways. They make an off-color joke. Or they work with him and say nothing. His raw grief craves acknowledgment. He knows that nothing will bring her back, but a simple recognition of his loss might just pull him through the day. After all, a sorrow shared is a sorrow divided.

Grief is an invisible emotion in the workplace because we have long been told that emotions are to be left behind at home when we step into the office. The pandemic toppled that assumption. For many of us, we know longer had to step into an office to be able to go to work. We lived in a bubble that is a curious mix of home and workplace. It was precisely this setting that let me study the same emotion at close quarters.

Grief Is an Enemy We Fight Alone – especially at work

When we lose a loved one, we grieve. We need to acknowledge the need for closure without which it is hard to move on. A happy past can remain a memory, not a burden. But death is not the only loss that we experience.

Missing out on personal milestones because of commitments at work is a common experience. The lockdowns and quarantines have accelerated these losses for everyone. We have attended funerals, weddings, and birthdays on video. More businesses have shut down in a year than ever before. There are record levels of unemployment in every country.

Suppressing emotions like grief can take a toll on a person’s mental health. It’s important to remember that everyone grieves differently and that it’s okay to seeksupport from friends, family, or a therapist during difficult times. In most cultural setting expressing grief is still not accepted mainstream behavior. Yet, the workplace itself hasenough triggers and scenarios where grief is the natural outcome.

Grief is a natural human response to loss, and it can manifest in many ways. It is both a universal and personal experience, and individual experiences of grief vary and are influenced by the nature of the loss

Here are some that I have come across in my work with the clients.

Grief Triggered by Humiliation

“The grief arising out of loss of status and privilege is a meal eaten alone, says the unwritten code”

The corporate world is rife with triggers for grief. Take, for example, the aftermath ofa merger or acquisition. Once big fish in a small pond suddenly find themselves swimming in a vast ocean, dwarfed by larger creatures.

Consider the case of a family-run pharmaceutical company, once a market leader, that was acquired by a global giant. When the patriarch passed away, his sons sold the business, and the senior leaders of the company were relegated to middle management positions in the multinational firm. Stripped of their privilege and status, they were left to mourn their loss in silence.

In the workplace, there is an unspoken rule that discussing loss of status and privilege is taboo. To do so invites ridicule and scorn. The grief that arises from such losses must be borne alone, according to the unwritten code of conduct. And yet, loss of identity is an all-too-common source of grief in the corporate world. Reorganizations, changes in reporting relationships, and moves to different employers can all trigger feelings of loss and disorientation. These events occur with alarming regularity, yet they often go unnoticed and unacknowledged.

In short, the world of work can be a harsh and unforgiving place, where grief is often met with indifference or even hostility. It is up to everyone to find their own way through these difficult times, seeking support from friends, family, or professionals as needed.

Grief of Loneliness

When I started my consulting work in the United States, my first client was the CEO of a large handset manufacturer. He called me to his office and said, “I want you tosimply listen as I talk to myself. I am not looking for any advice or sympathy orsuggestions, I just want to be heard. I cannot share the stress that I carry in my head with anyone else. I can’t trust my colleagues to do that. The board will think ofreplacing me if they feel I am not in control and I don’t want to burden my family withall these issues. I am paying you to simply listen.”

While it is true that the relationship evolved over time, it was the need to be heard that was an overwhelming aspect of the engagement at the start. We all know it is lonely at the top. Creating opportunities for senior leaders to acknowledge and share that loneliness is not common practice. The ability to be heard without prejudice is a freedom that the most privileged lack.

The change in organizational structure and reporting relationship very often triggers feelings of isolation when the manager's behavior is not viewed to be inclusive. It leaves people feeling uninvolved and devalued. At the workplace we often have to balance the need to compete with the need to collaborate. While relationships are built when we collaborate with her peers and colleagues, the organization usually rewards the employee who competes to win. As the pyramid narrows at the top, the winner leaves behind a trail of broken relationships, which are reminders that winningoften has a steep price to pay. But in the life of an organization, it is impossible to getaway from being a competitor to every peer and sometimes even to one’s team members.

Competing for credit that paves the way for a future role or opportunity can be blamed for much of the office politics.

Grief of Being a Victim of Office Politics

As a Human Resources professional with three decades of experience across multipleorganizations, I have seen countless cases of people being promised a promotion or a better increment or much awaited career opportunity that never came through.Many leaders have had to acknowledge that office politics shaped the choice of high potential employees more than objective assessments. Vindictive bosses who ignore the meritorious worker - who does notprotest - are as hurtful as the weak boss who rejects his team member’s interest toleave us feeling that it is a price we must pay for being employed.

When somebody is hired from another organization, they have to ensure that they donot trigger animosity and opposition in the new office. When the new hire suggests an innovative solution, those who can read between the lines often look out for glances exchanged among others present in the meeting. Motives are ascribed to every move of the new hire. Corporate onboarding programs often aim to bring clarity about the task and the organization’s structure and processes but fail to help the individual navigate office politics.

“The seeds of grief are often built into an organization announcement”

If a new department is carved out of the existing organization, it can trigger huge resistance among the impacted departments who see it as a loss of opportunity for themselves. If the new department is added to the existing organization, the older employees view the newly formed department as an unnecessary appendage, making them feel unwanted.

Organizational Mechanisms: Employee Identity and Business culture

Employers often do not take kindly to employees who try to unionize. This leads to the employees questioning what they stand for—their identity. When an employer gets called out for an illegal practice, the employees feel their identity is lost. Tom Peters, a management thinker, wrote about his conflicting emotions of pride and embarrassment when his former employer McKinsey was ordered to pay damages in the opioid settlement case.

He wrote on his blog, “It is a culture and values and morals issue that runs to the core of the way McKinsey does business. It will in no way be solved with process change and a lecture or two. It requires deep reflection about ‘who we are and what we believe’—as human beings far more than ‘professionals.’ (In my angrier moments, of which there are many, I almost think McKinsey should consider shutting its doors and closing down)”

When people have to question what values they stand for, their identity is being questioned. When Rajat Gupta was sent to prison for his role in insider trading, several McKinsey employees (current and former) were deeply embarrassed—so deeply is one’s identity linked to one’s employers.

People experience grief when the boss chooses to fawn over a new hire and ignore the people who have stood by him or her over the past. If paying attention and noticing generates the feeling of being valued, looking through and ignoring someone can cause grief. Like many other forms of grief, it is left unacknowledged. Even the grief arising out of being ignored is ignored.

Grief of Loss of Income and Savings

The pandemic has taken a toll on the millions who have been rendered unemployed. Small business owners have had to closebusinesses that their families have nurtured over a few generations. Restaurant owners have had their lifetime of savings wiped out as businesses came to a grinding halt.

As news about job losses flood the media, people grieve the loss of security. They worry about an uncertain future. The plan someone may have had for their future may have had to be abandoned during the pandemic. I met this family where the employer’s plans to downsize operations in India have been cropping up in the newspaper, but no communication was made to the employee. Theemployers have had to let go of employees who have been with them for years. The guilt of having to let go of people who havebeen loyal weighs heavy on them. Taking a decision that puts several families in positions of vulnerability needs to be acknowledged. Small business owners talk about the guilt they have experienced as they sit down for a meal at the table with their family weighs heavy. But they are helpless.

A report by Save the Children showed results from parents and children from forty-six countries, including India, who were surveyed to identify their needs to help fill the gaps. The report showed that children are deeply impacted by thepandemic. Among migrants, 91 percent of households reported loss of income and 60 percent of households reported they had no money to pay for food, which led to insecurity and domestic violence. Around 11 percent of children in the general group and 17 percent children in the migrants’ group reported violence at home during the pandemic. One in ten children would not return to school once the institutions reopened.

The poorest of the poor have been the worst affected. In India the lockdown triggered the greatest migration of families from urban areas back to their villages. Almost 80 million migrant workers in India—largely contract labor and people working in the unorganized sector—have been among those impacted by the shrinking opportunities for employment. The effect of this migration is yet to be documented fully (Khanna 2020).

Loss of Opportunity

The pandemic has morphed many work-related opportunities. Students who were looking forward to their first day in office have had to make believe that changing the Zoom background with the picture of an office was the best that could happen. Internship plans have been abandoned or diluted.

College students have mourned the loss of opportunities to network with peers and get mentored by professors. Expatriate assignments have been cut short. Projects and training programs have been replaced by the endless tedium of online lectures. Onlineeducation is efficient. But it seems to be a poor substitute for the college experience. Freshmen seeking to enter college feel cheated about losing out on a life event. 2020 was a year when everything from finding jobs to being on-boarded or even let go were done over video calls. It has left an unspoken sense of loss that people grieve.

What is common to each of these scenarios is that we are expected to deal with thisin private. Workplaces are built around logic and not emotions, deems theconventional wisdom that makes us put away any emotional upheaval that gets triggered by events such as these.

Unresolved Grief Finds Unhealthy Outlets

Disenfranchised grief, also known as hidden grief or sorrow, refers to any grief that goes unacknowledged or unvalidated by social norms.

Someone grieving the loss of a relationship may not have the opportunity to talkabout a sense of loss surrounding the relationship. LGBTQ+ people must often deal with the loss of their relationships alone. Losing a pet can be as devastating forsomeone as the loss of a family member. The loss of a coach or professor or mentor can be cause for grief but may not have the social permission to be adequately expressed and addressed. When people immigrate to another country, they grieve.People grieve the loss of freedom or mobility or health or loss of physical and mentalfaculties through the process of aging.

Grief is often expressed through substance abuse. grief can be expressed through substance abuse. The COVID-19 pandemic has been described as a “shadow pandemic” of grief, trauma, and economic and social dislocation. This has led to anincrease in the incidence of mood and anxiety disorders and substance misuse, all of which put people at greater risk for prolonged grief.

In England, there has been a 27% rise in people dying while in treatment for drug and alcohol addiction during the pandemic.In addition, as was the case in India, griefcan manifest in domestic violence.

“During the first four phases of the COVID-19-related lockdown, Indian women filed more domestic violence complaints than recorded in a similar period in the last 10 years. But even this unusual spurt is only the tip of the iceberg as 86% women who experience domestic violence do not seek help in India”

Grief is often suppressed or denied. The emotions do not go away. It shows up infeelings such as anger, guilt, regret, and shame. It hampers the ability of the individual to function effectively at work.

Why Do Employers Look Away When Employees Grieve?

As part of my research, I spoke to several HR leaders of organizations to understandhow they viewed the issues around grief. It unearthed some myths and opportunities that organizations need to address before they can provide the guard-rails to address grief and its fallouts.

Myth 1: Grief Is Only Triggered by Death of a Loved One

Death is a significant event that can create sharp changes in our lives and relationships. However, it is not the only cause of grief. Grief is a natural response to loss and change, and it can be triggered by a wide range of events and experiences. By building an understanding of the true meaning of grief, employers can better understand when and how to support their employees.

Grief is not just about resisting change, but about processing and coming to terms with it. It is a complex and deeply personal emotion that can manifest in many different ways. For example, employees may grieve the loss of a way of life or the loss of human contact as their employer's business becomes more automated. These formsof grief may not be as visible as the grief caused by the death of a loved one, but they are no less real or significant.

It is important for employers to recognize that grief can have many causes and to create a supportive environment where employees feel safe expressing their emotions and seeking help when needed. By doing so, they can help their employees navigate difficult times and build resilience in the face of change.

Myth 2: Grief Is a Personal Matter. You Grieve Alone

Grief is a complex and deeply personal emotion that can be triggered by a wide range of events and experiences. While the death of a loved one is a common cause of grief,it is by no means the only one. In the workplace, employees may experience grief due to a variety of scenarios, such as the loss of a job, changes in responsibilities or work relationships, or personal struggles outside of work. If an employer only recognizes deathas a cause of grief, they may overlook the many other factors that can contribute to an employee's emotional well-being.

The language of emotions is often not readily used in the workplace, and this can make it difficult for employees to express their feelings and seek support. When an employee is grieving, they may feel the need to keep their emotions private,especially if they do not feel that their workplace is a safe and supportive environment. This can lead to feelings of isolation and can exacerbate the grieving process.

It is important for employers to recognize that grief can have many causes and to create a workplace culture that supports employees in expressing their emotions andseeking help when needed. By doing so, they can help to foster a more compassionate and understanding work environment, where employees feel valued and supported through difficult times.

Myth 3: If We Step In, We May Set Expectations That Are More Than What We Can Handle

Acute grief, according to the Center for Complicated Grief, “occurs in the initialperiod after a loss. It almost always includes strong feelings of yearning, longing andsadness along with anxiety, bitterness, anger, remorse, guilt and/or shame. Thoughts are mostly focused on the person who died, and it can be difficult to concentrate on anything else. Acute grief dominates a person’s life.”

Dealing with someone who is still raw from the emotion of dealing with a deep loss leaves most people helpless. The same response appears in organizations when an employee experiences grief arising out of bereavement—paid time- off from work for the death of a relative. This is not legally mandated in India, and it is left to thediscretion of the employer to offer time off as they deem fit. Family members areusually defined as parents, grandparents, siblings, spouse, children, and in-laws. Relationships that cause grief could well be the ones not covered by this definition of “family.” The death of a distant cousin could be just as harsh emotionally as someone who is described as the family member eligible for a medical benefit. Emotions areharder to classify in these boxes. So, organizations avoid stepping into grey zones.

Myth 4: Time Heals Everything

It is a common belief that time heals everything, including grief and loss. However, this is not always the case. While it is true that human beings are remarkably resilient and can often pick up the threads of their lives after experiencing loss, the sense ofloss does not always disappear completely. There may still be bad days when thefeelings of grief and sadness are overwhelming.

Over time, the intensity of these feelings may diminish, and the loss may no longer leave us feeling numb and shocked. However, grief is not something that simply goes awaywith time. Instead, it becomes integrated into our lives, and we learn to make space for both happy and sad days.

In other words, time does not necessarily heal all wounds. Rather, it is the process ofacknowledging and working through our grief that helps us to heal and move forward.This process is different for everyone and can take varying amounts of time. It isimportant to be patient with ourselves and others as we navigate the complex emotions of grief and loss.

Myth 5: Tears Are a Sign of Weakness

“Complicated Grief Is a Form of Grief That Takes Hold of a Person’s Mind and Won’t Let Go,” See Complicated Grief

In the workplace, shedding tears is often frowned upon, even though it happensoften. People cry in washrooms or behind closed doors. Crying in one- to-one settings is seen to be more acceptable than in group settings. But regardless of where they happen, tears still happen. Crying in public because of mild feedback about the work done does not evoke sympathy among most peers. Demanding bosses who leave their subordinates teary eyed frequently are described in less than flattering terms. Tearful individuals are perceived as more in need of help, as more friendly, and observers feel more connected to them. We feel naturally compelled to console someone who cries. One study found that, overall, criers were judged as less competent than non-criers—and the loss of perceived competence was greater for men than women (van de Ven, Meijs, and Vingerhoets 2017).

Myth 6: Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell

Since most businesses expect grief to be limited to the death of a loved one, they believe there is nothing the organization can do to soften the blow.

Bereavement is understood to trigger grief, but the vast majority of pain is not acknowledged. The grief that arises out of the scenarios we have described above are not even acknowledged in the workplace.

There is an unwritten cultural code in every organization that tells us what kind of situations can be raised at the workplace and what kinds must be dealt with alone. It can be difficult for employees to ask for help with emotional issues in the workplace for a variety of reasons. Unlike asking for a painkiller for a toothache, which is a common and easily understood physical ailment, emotional issues can be complex and deeply personal. There may be a fear of being judged or stigmatized for seeking help, or concerns about confidentiality and privacy.

Additionally, the workplace culture may not be supportive of discussing emotional well-being, and employees may not feel comfortable opening up to their colleagues or superiors. All of these factors can make it challenging for employees to seek thesupport they need for emotional issues. It is important for workplaces to create an environment where employees feel safe and supported in seeking help for their emotional well-being.

Myth 7: Emotions Don’t Belong in the Workplace

The traditional belief has been that the workplace operates on logic. Making a “business case” means having to pull together a slew of data points and benchmarks tojustify the recommendation being made. Employees are expected to leave their emotions at home.

This is ironic because business leaders want to hire people who are “passionate,” which requires someone acknowledging their emotion, the very humanness that is frowned upon in the workplace. Businesses work hard to design great customer experiences. An experience that generates positive emotional engagement must build an emotional connection with the customer or employee.

During the pandemic, the office as a place we assemble in to do our work has disappeared. The office has since then moved into our homes—the very place where we used to leave our emotions when we left for our daily commute.

Do you believe emotions do not belong to the workplace?

What Can HR Do?

“If we do not recognize our own grief, we cannot recognize it in others. Leaders must learn to recognize and address emotions just as comfortably as they deal with logics and data”

One of the chief human resource officers I spoke to mentioned that grief was an emotion that “is too intense for the organization toaddress.” She confessed that she found it overwhelming to deal with grief of others and talked about her own experience of dealing with the death of an older sibling. “I never got over the guilt that my younger sibling had died in a car crash, while I lived.”

If we do not recognize our own grief, we cannot recognize it in others. Leaders must learn to recognize and address emotions just ascomfortably as they deal with logic and data. Empathy helps us understand what the other person is going through. When our own feeling of grief has not been addressed fully, connecting with someone else’s grief triggers our own emotions that have been putaside or left unresolved. Could it be that HR professionals would have to recognize the broader ambit of events that trigger grief to understand that there are several scenarios in the workplace that trigger grief.

Wipro’s Ombuds Policy: The Ombuds Policy was introduced by the Wipro, an Indian multinational IT corporation, in 2003 to enable employees and other individuals associated with the company to not overlook any concern but instead raise it at an early stage and in the right manner, without fear of retaliation, victimization, subsequent discrimination, or disadvantage at the workplace.

Through Wipro’s Mitr (translates to “friend”) initiative, trained counselors in the company are available to assist employees in need. This program has been in place since 2004 and provides a case study for other organizations who want to help their employers in thegrieving process. Wipro makes sure that every site has at least one trained Mitr counselor. Wipro’s Employee Assistance Program (EAP) partner and internal and external experts provide five days of training over two weekends to volunteers. Typically, 40 percent of the cases that come in are handled by Mitr counselors, and the more serious cases are handled by EAP partner professionals.

Five Ideas HR Can Implement

Teach the Organization to Recognize Grief

Build a broader understanding of grief as an emotion that is more than what we experience only when we lose a loved one. Talking about the many workplace situations that can trigger feelings of loss can be a good starting point. Doing so combats the stigma and helplessness that is currently associated with grief. Once people recognize grief, they will be sensitized to its presence as a subtext inthe organization. Instead of making us weak, learning to deal with grief can be empowering.

Build Psychological Safety

Create a culture of empathy and understanding. Make it socially acceptable to talk about grief. Can the team members trust you with their unshared emotions and vulnerability? Trust allows us to accept that others will be supportive when we take moderate risks.Psychological safety is the belief that others will not judge us when we take a risk.

Check-In on Team Members

The office was a great leveler. Everyone put on their “professional face” and came to a shared location. Ever since people startedworking from home, their workplace is very different. There are single parents or people with responsibilities of elder care. Some of the team members may be sharing a small room with many others over months. Understanding the personal context of team members helps to understand the team members at a meaningful level. It is not transactional. Asking team members to describe how they are feeling is a powerful way for leaders to build trust.4

Talk about Your Own Grief

When a leader shares their own feelings of loss or grief, they legitimize the opportunity for others to talk about their own emotions.Linking it to the impact it has had on work makes the organization recognize that unresolved grief impacts the effectiveness and productivity of the employee.

Teach Leaders to Engage at an Emotional Level

Building a human connection often begins by giving someone undivided attention. At the entry-level a person’s analytical thinking and other cognitive skills differentiatethem from their peers; at the leadership level it is the ability to build relationships through deeper emotional connections that differentiates. These are skills that can betaught. It is no different from learning a new language.

We have to stop making our workplaces antiseptic and clinical. We have to infuse the human element in them. Acknowledging the range of emotions that we experience is the first step toward that. It is only after that we can equip leaders with skills and the language needed to deal with grief in the workplace. When leaders learn to recognize grief, they can be in a position to create processes and policies to address them.

Leave me a comment if the idea resonated with you

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Conclusion

It is important to emphasize the role of HR in building a culture of openness and psychological safety in the workplace. Grief is a natural and universal human experience, one that can be triggered by many different events and circumstances. It is an emotion that demands to be felt and expressed, and it is essential that companies create an environment where employees feel safe to do so. HR can prioritize building a culture of openness and psychological safety by taking practical steps such as:

• · Encouraging open communication and active listening among team members.

• · Providing training and resources for managers to support their team members through difficult times.

• · Implementing policies and procedures that promote work-life balance and mental health.

• · Creating a supportive network of resources for employees who are experiencing grief or other emotional challenges.

By taking these steps, HR can help to foster a healthy and compassionate workplace culture where employees feel supported and valued. Leaders must learn to listen andunderstand, rather than simply rationalizing or dismissing the emotions of their employees. By addressing the root causes of grief and providing support for those who need it, companies can create a more resilient and supportive workplace for all. So let us embrace our emotions, even the difficult ones, and work together to create a brighter future for ourselves and those around us.

If you are interested in the references, then this is the book where this chapter on Grief has been taken.

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